添削例 1 ライティングサミット
Task 2
Some people think that governments should invest more in public transport, while others believe that money is better spent on building new roads. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
サミットで毎週金曜にお出しいただく本提出に対して、この形の資料をお返ししています。段落ごとに、答案・モデルアンサー・指摘を並べて見比べられるようにしてあります。
総評
両方の立場を扱ったうえで自分の意見も示せており、構成は安定しています。いちばん改善の余地が大きいのはボディ2で、反対意見を紹介したところで段落が終わってしまい、それに対する自分の見方が抜けています。表現面では、名詞の単複と冠詞の落ちが繰り返し出ています。本講義では、反対意見を受けたあとの1文の型を練習しましょう。
段落 2（ボディ1）
提出された答案
Those who support public transport argue that it can reduce the traffic congestion1 in large cities. If buses and trains run frequently, people is2 more likely to leave their cars at home. In Tokyo, for example, the rail network is so dense that many residents do not own a car at all*1. This also reduces air polution3, because fewer vehicles are on the road.
モデルアンサー
Those in favour of public transport argue that it eases traffic congestion in large cities. Where buses and trains run frequently, commuters are far more likely to leave their cars at home. Tokyo is a case in point: the rail network is so dense that a great many residents never buy a car, and the reduction in exhaust emissions that follows is considerable.
語彙・文法の指摘3
- 1 the traffic congestion traffic congestion 一般論としての「渋滞」は不可算で、冠詞を付けません。特定の渋滞を指すときだけ the が付きます。
- 2 people is people are people は複数扱いです。単複の一致は GR の評価に直接効くところなので、見直しのときに主語と動詞を指で追って確認しましょう。
- 3 air polution air pollution スペルミス。l が2つです。
内容と構成の指摘1
- *1 例が具体的でよいですね。ここからもう一歩、「だから何が言えるのか」を1文足すと、例が主張につながります。→ which suggests that investment in rail can change travel habits, not just relieve them temporarily
段落 3（ボディ2）
提出された答案
On the other hand, some people believe that building new road1 is more important. In rural areas, public transport is not convinient2 and people need their own cars. Roads also help companies to transport their goods more quicker3.*1
モデルアンサー
Others, by contrast, believe that building new roads matters more. In rural areas public transport is patchy at best, and a car is not a luxury but a necessity. Roads also allow companies to move goods more quickly, which keeps costs down for everyone. That said, this argument applies mainly outside the major cities, and it does little to solve congestion where most people actually live.
語彙・文法の指摘3
- 1 building new road building new roads road は可算名詞なので、複数のことを言うなら roads になります。
- 2 convinient convenient スペルミス。ve の順です。
- 3 more quicker more quickly 比較級に more は重ねません。動詞を修飾しているので副詞の quickly を使います。
内容と構成の指摘1
- *1 反対意見を紹介したところで段落が終わっています。Discuss both views では、紹介した意見に自分がどう応じるかまで書くと TR の評価が安定します。→ That said, this argument applies mainly outside the major cities, and it does little to solve congestion where most people actually live.